Birthday self-gifting

I have a habit of buying for others things that I want for myself. (Maybe a therapist would call this projection? Whatever.) It's something that I've noticed about my gift-buying habits over the last few years. And it makes sense, too, if "you are your friends" holds true. I get to buy something without the guilt of having been too extravagant, because it's okay to lavish other people with things. Win-win!

This year, however, is the year of being good to myself. So when I found out about the Graphic Image winter sale, I got my click on and picked out a few things. And they arrived just after my birthday!

A beautiful desk-sized address book in a beautiful Robin's Egg blue leather, with gold embossing and edged pages.  My pocket one, which I've had for seven years or something, is not in the best condition.  And I wanted something a bit more substantial, a bit more grown up. Not just as a place to store contact information, but a history of places and friends.  I love my parents' old address books, filled not only with their distinct and beautiful penmanships, but the strikethrus and squeezed-in jottings that reflect home purchases, new jobs, the advent of mobile phone numbers, and all sorts of life changes -- including births and deaths.  I am eager to start my own!

I have set up an online address book through Postable (ironic, I know), which I've emailed and posted to Facebook, for my friends to send me their updated information. Then I'll transcribe it all into my book.  But which pen to use? Or shall I use pencil? And shall I write in block letters or script? The possibilities are endless.

My second self-purchase was a jotter. It's such a classy way to write notes. And easier for me, the slightly scatterbrained overwriting lefty. I don't have to flip through pages, but whatever's on my mind can get shuffled to the top, and additional notes can be written. And when I write (or doodle) I have a nice, compact, flat surface.

So far I love my self gifts! What have you, or would you, buy for yourself?

Old School birthday bash

I love organizing and throwing parties for people. I love the planning, the sending, the organizing, the gathering of loved ones onto the birthday gal or guy. But when it comes to myself, I typically shy away and am content with a small dinner with my closest circle.

A few years ago I said to myself that by a certain age, I will love myself enough to throw my own birthday party.

"That certain age" was this year.  And amid doubt whether I'd actually follow through, I called my city and secured the gazebo area.  Once the credit card got charged, things got real.  So I downloaded the fonts (Marcelle and Colleged) and got out my contact list.

The theme: Old School.  Feelin' like a kid again. 

It couldn't have happened with all the help from friends far and near. My game masters filled up water balloons for the tossing.  Laid out sacks for racing.  And brought jute string for the three-legged race.  

My BFF laid out an entire spread to fulfill my "candy apple bar" request.  She even peeled the caramels, one by one, and melted them together. Another friend supplied the most delicious furikake Chex mix ever.  Yet another plucked and washed three whole bagfulls of lemons from his tree for me to have a lemonade stand. And cakes?  Three: the other BFF brought both the cake I wanted (a fruit tart) as well as "a proper birthday cake" (old school, complete with roses in our high school colors); and there was an awesome birthday brownie (which I may have taken home without sharing) with a secret message. 

My only real material contribution was the pinata, which was inspired by my inordinate love of polyhedra and high school Geometry Honors.  I'd wanted to cover it in tissue paper or fringed crepe, but ran out of time... but looks okay with seams done up in painter's tape.  I filled it with old school candies: Smarties, Tootsie Rolls, and Dum Dums. Everyone insisted that I take a turn at bat, and I need to tell you how desperately difficult it is to willfully destroy something you so lovingly created -- even if you made it to be destroyed.  I wasn't strong enough, but my brother (pictured) gave it a good go, and another karate-practicing friend gave it the death blow: a drop kick.  Beautiful yet painful to watch.

And the gifts.  A table full.  I haven't had so much to unwrap since I was a kid.  Which goes along with the old school theme, I suppose.  It was SO nice to be SO loved by SO many people -- from family to friends from so many periods and parts of life.

Funny: when everyone started gathering for the birthday song and cake, it was all I could do not to sing along; I'm usually the one holding the cake, or taking pictures, or recording. It took some a moment to remind myself that everyone was singing for me!  I had to force myself to stay in the center of the circle, and smile.  And once I accepted and allowed that in my heart, I could truly and fully appreciate and receive the well wishing. In the end, I'm glad that I gave myself this opportunity for people to shower me with love. Not so much with their presents, but their presence.  Both on this day and in my life all these years. 

Best! Birthday! Ever!

Roadtrippin', solo style

The Japanese word for weekend is shuumatsu (週 = shuu = week; 末 = matsu = end); that's the Saturday and Sunday (obvs). In December, there's the nenmatsu (年 = nen = year), which is three times better. Instead of one day off at the beginning and end of the week, we get three days each for the end of the year and beginning of the new year. Pretty sweet, innit?

With a good chunk of days off I decided to do something spontaneous -- well, as spontaneous as I can be.  Which means I thought about it for a week or so. Called my friends to see if I could crash with them.  Thought about what to pack. And on the 29th, I drove up to San Francisco. By myself! It's the longest time I've been on the road alone.  Which is why I was hesitant to commit at all.  I made sure enough people knew what I was up to before leaving, took a deep breath, and hit the accelerator.

After loading into the car everything I could possibly need -- knitting projects (yes, more than one), journal, book, clothes, camera, chargers, water, coffee, snacks -- it wasn't until about an hour or so into the drive that I realized I'd forgotten one very essential item: my phone -- YIPES!  I toyed around with going sans for the weekend, but it was impossible.  I'd have no way of contacting my friends, or getting around.  I'd be totally helpless. And so I turned around and drove back home. All the while cursing my own self.  Once I got home, it took me another 20 minutes to find the phone and refill my gas tank before I was off: again. Of course, I hit traffic.

It took me about eight hours (with one bathroom break) to finally reach my destination -- an apartment right about city center -- and my dear old friend had  a glass of wine and a darling two-year-old waiting for me: perfection.

The weather in SF was unseasonably clear and warm.  My friend, the baby, and I hung out in Noe Valley on Friday morning, and then I hopped away on my own through the Mission District and up to Japantown to meet an old roommate for coffee and a maddish visit to Daiso.  I'd jotted down a few stores to visit from Design Sponge's SF Guide, but it proved too tedious for my mood, so I just wandered around and poked into interesting-looking shops.  There's a mid-century furniture shop somewhere around 16th Street that always seems to catch my eye, which always causes me to sigh covetously at teak wall units and many a chair.  One day, my pretties.

On Saturday I went with my hosts to a New Year's Eve brunch -- fabulous idea that I might steal for this year -- which was one of the most international gatherings I've ever attended.  Simultaneous conversations going on in French, Arabic, English, Chinese, and Italian.  Beautiful Moroccan tea glasses, ceramics, and rugs.  Good coffee.  Good mimosas.  Lots of beautiful babies, playing harmoniously together.

At midnight, the three of us rang in the new year with a quiet, "Cheers!" so as not to wake the baby.  Then it was off to bed, and homeward bound the next morning, armed with coffee and a slice of toast.  I arrived at my door in five hours flat.

My SF photo album is dominated by pictures of a very charming 22-month-old girl.  I've put together a mosaic of the trip's other highlights below:

It'd been a good two years since coming to SF (last time was for the baby's baby shower!), so it felt good to be there.  I still don't know the city as well as I'd like to, and didn't get to meet up with my cousin, who lives there now.  Which means the possibility of returning is great.  Especially now that I know I can make the drive there in one piece. 

Resolutions review

It's the last day of the year and time to look back before heading into 2012. Here's how I fared on my resolutions:

Be Good to Myself: Be intentional about and take ownership of my life

Do

• find a new job -- Nope; still working on some ideas, though.


• find a new home -- Yes! I love my lil' studio!


• travel internationally -- Yes! Japan, Jamaica, Italy


• join a book club -- Nope. But I read a lot this year: White Teeth, The Year of Magical Thinking, The Glass Castle, The Kite Runner, On the Road


• blog regularly -- Yes! 76 posts: much more than in 2010.


• finish all current WIPs (craft projects + books) -- Nope; they are still stating at me.

Learn

• learn how to use my dslr -- Nope; I actually stopped using it in favor of my iPhone camera. Then I had a problem with the lens. But it's fixed now, and I have a friend who will teach me photography in 2012, huzzah!


• maximze iPhone capability (Evernote or Springpad?) -- Yes! In addition to Springpad, I discovered Instagram, audio books, podcasts, and a bunch of other apps for news, music, and getting life done.  I love my iPhone!

Make

• build a piece of furniture -- Nope. I was all set to build a daybed for the studio but found one on Craigslist.


• sew a garment -- Yes! I made vests for MyKo's kinder kids.


• knit for myself -- Yes! Striped cowl, rainbow stripe knee highs, and a pink shawl that was never blogged

Explore

• buy a new food at each farmers market -- Yes! Eggplant


• try a new restaurant each month -- I didn't keep track, but I don't think so.


• watch a movie in the theater each quarter -- Yes! 50/50, Midnight in Paris, Cars2, Puss in Boots, The Naked Island, Postcard


• do a new activity each month -- Yes! January -- Explore Abbot Kinney Boulevard & discover Intelligentsia coffee; February -- Rose Bowl Flea Market; March -- Ash Wednesday at Our Lady of Angels Cathedral; April -- Hike the Sam Merrill Trail to Echo Mountain ; May -- Jamaica!; June -- Help plan and throw MyKo's bridal shower; July -- Visit the Bowers Museum; August -- Read prayers in three languages at MyKo's wedding!; September -- First visit and purchase at estate sale ; October -- Wine tasting in Italy!; November --  watch my brother's debut taiko performance; December -- Drive alone up to San Francisco

Be Good to My Body: Maintain a healthy lifestyle + gain five meaningful pounds

Rhythms

• don't be online after 10p -- Nope


• sleep by 11p -- Nope


• wake up at 6:30a -- Nope


• eat breakfast (not just coffee) -- Nope

Exercise

• stretch daily -- Nope


• 30 situps + pushups daily -- Nope


• run -- Yes!  I started in May!


• take a yoga or pilates class -- Nope

Be Good to My Wallet: Invest in myself

• pay off debt -- Nope (but almost there!)


• invest -- Nope


• tithe regularly and joyfully -- Yes!


• start a savings account -- Yes!


• don't buy anything new -- Nope.  I strayed here and more recently with a pair of long running pants for cold days.

Be Good to Others: Deepen relationships

• spend time with God daily (prayer, BCP, My Utmost for His Highest) -- Nope (not daily)


• write one letter each week; remember birthdays -- Yes!


• quit taking it personally (qtip) -- Not entirely, but much improvement made.


• seek healing and reconciliation in strained or broken relationships -- I'll always be working on this; am learning to both draw boundaries, and to accept.

There are slightly more "Nopes" than "Yes!s" but I can live with that.  Some of the "Nopes" were actually successes -- for example, I didn't join a book club, but I read more books last year than I had for at least two years before that. And, I didn't build a piece of furniture, but the Craigslist score was better in terms of price, time, and energy, and it was the exact piece I wanted.  I'm most disapponted in my fitness failures, but at least I started running.  It was a huge leap not just in terms of feeling stronger, but to witness and push my own transformation.

This review will help me shape my resolutions for 2012, which I'm still working on.  I'm also using this set (pdf) of questions from the Simple Mom blog.  Did you make any resolutions?  What are they?!  Do share!

Remembrance

[mama n' me]

It's been two weeks since my mom's first anniversary memorial and it blows my mind that she's been gone for an entire year.  I had left myself a buffer of a few weeks to sort out thoughts and emotions, but when it came down to it I was one.  hot.  mess.  Especially because Mom's was a week after the 10-year anniversary of 9/11, and those memories revolve a lot around my parents.  I sat down to write about my mom and the waterworks started -- surprising because I thought I was fully resolved that she had truly finished her life and was therefore okay with it all.  But the truth was -- and is -- that I will always, always miss this lady.

When I have bad days, I miss my mom's comforting hugs.  She always insisted that it's okay and I'm still young and it'll work out. 

When I have good days, I miss my mom's celebratory hugs.  I miss her comments on my haircuts and manicures.  I miss her guilt trips over my shopping, until I told her I got a good deal, and she'd say, "Good girl!"  I miss her curiosities over my knitting or sewing or embroidery projects.  I miss the way she said, "turtle," or "squirrel."  I miss her grammatically precise emails, how she always wrote, "perhaps," and never, "maybe."   And her texts.  I miss her laugh.  All the seeming little things that are such huge and gaping holes in my life, now that they're no longer a few miles down the road.

So, you see, I can't have a day that's not without missing some part of my mom.

My coworker saw my puffy red eyes coming out of the ladies room, put her arms around me and let me sob into her shoulder for as long as I needed.  She lost her mom a few months after me, so knew exactly how I was feeling and exactly what I needed.  Thank God for sending angels at just the right time.

As the weekend progressed, we observed the cultural customs.  At the Buddhist temple, we found Mom's photo on the big wall along with all the other people who've died.  Her coordinates are OO-64.  The feeling of being so separated from her was surreal and discomforting.  My younger brother had his mini-meltdown then.  The next day, when the extended group -- family, coworkers, high school alumni, college alumni, NZ alumni -- gathered at my dad's house, was another day of showing up.  I'm so grateful to my cousins who helped with all the food and serving!  My youngest brother had his meltdown then: in addition to mourning and missing Mom, he just found out that one of his housemates was killed in a hit-and-run bicycle accident.  Sadness and shock all over again.

The picture above is one I took of me and my mom at the black sand beach at Waia'napanapa on the island of Maui, when our entire family vacationed there in 2009.  It was our first family vacation since my brothers were kids, and Mom's first year of retirement.  We ate and drank and talked and faught and swam and shopped and drove and watched the sunrise and had a great time.  My SIL later shared that my mom actually said she had fun, that she did things -- like snorkelling -- she'd never done before and never thought she could do.  With all her kids.  At the same time.  How awesome is that?  After a lifetime of work and struggle and never thinking that she could ever rest, I'm happy that she had a couple years to relax before she left us. 

I won't try to wrap up this post in any succint or "lesson learned" manner because the truth is, this sadness and gladness over my mom will ebb and flow for the rest of my life.  I don't know whether that's okay or not; it just is.

Indelilbilities

Last month at brunch, a new-to-me acquaintance noticed the various birdsounds that we could all hear on such a quiet Saturday morning. I learned what a woodpecker sounds like! Later on, in the middle of a conversation, he leaned his head to one side, keen to identify another bird we'd just heard.

"Is birdwatching a hobby of yours?" someone asked.

"Not really," he replied, "or, not by choice: my ex wife was a zoologist, so I picked up a few things from her."

I don't know anything about this person's story -- how long he'd been married or divorced, nor the circumstances around either. But as I thought about what he'd said, it dawned on me just how much our significant others -- whether they be boyfriends or girlfriends, partners, spouses, or exes -- leave indelible marks on us. Indeed, they inject a part of themselves onto (or even into) us -- permanently, whether we know it or not; whether we like it or not. The person I met at brunch will probably always listen to a bird's chirping, and whether he can identify it or not, he'll listen, on account of someone who was a very important part of his life, even though she isn't any more. Amidst the sadness, or anger -- or whatever, like I said, I don't know his story -- of the situation, it was clear that there can also emerge something beautiful. A significant other's touch on one's life doesn't simply end at the breakup.

So it's okay to remember not just specific incidents or trips and occasions but also the mannerisms and phrases and other points of fact that were created in my relationship with DC. For my part, I know that among other things, certain news topics will prick my ears more than they would have before I knew him. As my running improves I'll remember that he's a runner, and how he got me out with him a couple times, and now I finally understand a bit better why he enjoys it (though I don't stray as far as to put the two together in a "what if" scenario).  Of course, I hope that as he remembers us, he'll be okay holding on to some of the things he learned from me, or that we discovered together, or that we simply made up and laughed at between ourselves -- but if he doesn't, that's okay.  No, I won't obsess or imagine -- I stopped doing that long ago! -- but the big takeaway is that I don't have to stomp out or feel bad about memories like I thought I had to or was supposed to.

That revelation stayed tucked in a shallow recess of my heart for nearly two months; I was reminded of it again when I went through my Post Secret ritual last week, during which I came across a secret that touched me for both dumb and profound reasons.  It read: "Our relationship left me listening to country music and believing in God.  You changed me.  Thank you." It resonated with me for obvious reasons, but particularly because for a nanosecond I hoped that it might be DC's secret (not gonna lie), whether published or not. But -- and more importantly -- this secret reminded me that it's okay to have changed or been changed by someone in a way I might not have imagined or expected.  And also because it brought me beyond forgiveness.

A lot of people (and books, and blogs) say that forgiveness is the point where you're no longer wishing that person ill but where you truly want their happiness. Admittedly, it's a big jump to make, especially if feelings of anger and betrayal have been engendered by the breakup. In my case, there was anger and confusion and fear and pain -- many of which were first-time feelings -- and, however briefly, I did harbor ill will towards DC.  Then there was the hurdle of my own ego: to realize that I was not the best thing that ever happened to DC hurt my pride more than my heart.  When I allowed myself to dwell on the injury to my pride it dragged my heart into the fray, which in turn led me down the path of regretful reminisces.  Learning to love myself and protect my heart meant admitting out loud that DC wasn't the best for me, either. This was scary because our relationship was so good in so many ways; it also challenged my faith to trust that God was preparing me for a better, future person.  Though it wasn't exactly a straight shot, I made the leap to forgiveness sooner rather than later (according to trusted friends, who, unlike me, had been there before). It was faster, cleaner, easier for me because my heart of hearts had always wanted -- and still wants -- the very best for DC.

But there's another leap: from forgiveness to gratitude. For all the breakup cliches I've heard, I like the one that says you should leave a person a little better than you found them. DC did that for me, and I'm certain I did that for him.  For me, gratitude is that place where I can thank DC for having been a part of my life. I am well favored and blessed that that relationship was such a good one. I can leave it saying not only, "Good-bye and God-bless," but "Thank you."  Which is pretty huge.  And though it took me a while to get here, and I'm not sure if I'm entirely "there," I at least know that I'm on the way towards a future relationship that will be much, much better than I can imagine. 

There's lots back there, in just the past few years.  A lot of it's good.  A lot of it's bad.  I'm okay with both.  I'm okay with glancing back now and then, knowing both are there and a part of me.  So I let myself glance.  But I don't go back there, I don't live back there.  I live here.  Now.  I look forward to tomorrow.  And it doesn't have to be a secret.

Onwards!

Project: Fashion diary

As I've mentioned now and again, I try and edit my closet at close intervals.  In addition to desiring to justify the shopping excursion I wanted to  ensure I was wearing all of my clothes, instead of a few favorites.  So I decided to photograph what I wore to work each day for a month.  The experiment was not just to test my clothing rotation, but to see whether I would do so intentionally because I knew I'd be documenting it.  I started off pretty strong, but waned off a bit when I was out for nearly a week with a sinus cold.  Still, a dozen and a half shots creates a pretty good glimpse at my style:  mostly neutral/darks, mostly solids.  Occasional pops of color and texture.  Is there one word or phrase to describe it?  What would you call my style?

[june 2011 fashion]

In a light bulb moment (some call these flashes madness) I came up with the *brilliant* idea to also sketch my outfits.  I added notes to describe colors and textures my meager drawing skills could not capture.  I also added details about where I got the clothes, and, if I remembered, how much I paid for them.  It helped me see that many of the items in my closet are hand-me-downs (from Mom or Jaxs) or gifts (like the suede jacket from Dad and scarves from family and friends), or purchased on sale.

[june 2011 fashion sketches]

Result:  I'm happy with the way I dress!  I feel good in and about what's in my closet, and this is a project I'd do again, maybe in the winter, or maybe during a trip.  While continuing to edit, I will try harder to pull out some less-worn garments.  I just did laundry, too -- including hand washing and ironing -- so have a lot more choices at the moment.  And I just scored a couple items at the thrift stores.  But more on that later!

What's in your closet these days?

Been running

Before the wedding, there was the bachelorette party.  No strippers or bawdy behavior was involved, but it was nonetheless challenging.  The bride-to-be, ever the athlete and wanting to keep up with her look-awesome-in-my-wedding-dress fitness routine, wanted to do a 10K run, and then go to the spa.  She worried about me, though: I'd run probably less than a handful of times as an adult, and I don't like to be touched by strangers. "I realize these are the two things you like to do least, Jean. Are you going to be able to handle it?" she asked.  "It's for your bachelorette party," I replied, "Of course I'm in!"

I was truly all for it, but dilly-dallied on starting my running training.  And on the registering.  So when I finally went to the website, the race was full.  Most people initially said that I did that strategically, but I really didn't!  I truly wanted to try running!  And a 10K with other gals that I know seemed like such a cool way to start!  Alas.

I got to contribute to the fun by designing the bachelorette party favor/gift: a dry-weave running shirt.  I'm not a designer by any means, but it was fun to get the creative juices flowing to come up with a concept and see it all come together.  I envisioned something simple and graphic, and decided on shoes: running sneaks, spa slippers, and heels for going out. By brother, the art student, helped me with the graphics, but I did the layout and formatting -- on Microsoft Word! I also made a small graphic commemorating the name of the event for the front.  The final shirts were printed in black ink on grey shirts; the bride's shirt was white, of course:

They were a hit!  The ladies who came out for the run were glad not to have to wear the standard issue boxy t-shirts, and C got a lot of positive attention from people who noticed our "team."  One lady stopped her afterwards to show the shirt to her group of friends, saying, "I'm totally going to steal your idea."  Awesome!

I got one of those t-shirts, but was was I going to do with it?  Why, START RUNNING -- naturally!

You read that right.  I. Started. Running. Never thought I would. Seriously, never. I am a swimmer! Oh, the pounding, the sweat! My ears get cold!

But I started. I discovered podcasts (iPhone lurve) and just fininshed Week 4 of a 9-week couch-to-5K plan. Believe me, it's not easy. But. It's getting easier. Which means... I'm improving!  Four weeks ago I started off doing eight intervals of 60 seconds running, 90 seconds walking -- counting down each running segment, and relishing whenever I got to walk.  This week, I did three minutes running, 90 seconds walking, five minutes running, two and a half minutes walking. Will Rogers 5K? Catalina Eco 10K? Tinker Bell half marathon?  We'll see.

At 103 lbs., I'm not doing this to lose weight but rather to get active and healthy, a component of my Be Good to My Body set of resolutions. Plus, all my gals run, so it's something we can do together. After running by myself for three weeks, it was nice to put a run in before dinner with the gals.

It will probably do me some good to participate in a clinic to learn proper stride and pace and other technicalities, and I will probably break my buy-nothing-new resolution to get a proper pair of shoes, but will make do with what clothes I have:

Eventually I'd like to be able to run without the tunes, so I can use the time to flush out thoughts, decompress, and enjoy the amazing houses and landscapes in my neighborhood.  Running's not that intuitive to me (yet?) so right now,  the podcast gives me a feeling of running with a buddy, while providing music and interval timing.  One day I might even venture into running with actual people and not just a recorded voice.  One step at a time, though (literally!).

Running has definitely affected how I keep my schedule: if I have something to do after work, I make sure I change and hit the road within 15 minutes of walking in the door (or it'll never happen); once, knowing I was going to have a full evening, I woke up early to run before work.  The light and temperature felt very different with the waxing sun!  It was a long day, but I found myself not tired at all. I just might do that once a week, just to mix it up a bit. 'Cause I'm CRAZY like that.

*Deep breath and smile* I like where I am.  I like seeing the tremendous progress I've made over just four short weeks.  I like that I feel healthier and -- more importantly -- stronger.  Life's good.

What about you, reader? Are you taking up any new hobbies or new challenges?

Belated birthday post

My birthday tends to be a low-key affair, which is fine by me.  This year, though, I was quite lucky to ride with my fellow March babies for celebrations manifold.  Check it:

I missed my brother's birthday dinner to eat with old friends, one of whose birthday is the day after mine.  We went to Three Drunken Goats in Montrose.

[team J bday]

My actual birthday was a long day spent at church.  I found out that it was my pastor's birthday, too, plus another person's a couple of days later.  One of our friends made cupcakes topped with thin mints and initials (our names all start with "J'), and another friend brought a lovely fruit tart from Porto's.

Later in the week a group of friends met for a quick dinner at Zankou Chicken.  My good friend treated me to my first shawerma wrap!  Thanks, Beej!

The following week we did a birthday party for college friends.  Tres leches cake from Perfectly Sweet, along shrimp egg rolls, gourmet sandwiches, and homemade Hainan chicken rice and ribs! 

I generally am over gift-giving because I don't want to accumulate "stuff."  Rather, I'm in favor of gifts of experience like movies or meals, gifts of quality time, or handknits. So I felt a bit bad about all the gifts bestowed on me this year; but I was able to shake it off (meaning: not feeling guilty and not thinking of a reciprocal gift) and simply be grateful.

[gifts]

• West Elm vases/containers -- love that they're white!


• Garden Anywhere by Alys Fowler


• Back to Basics by Abigail R. Gehring


• Soap -- delightful rose scent, sent long-distance from WDC


• Sakura and gold-flecked stationery and sakura tenugui from Ito-Ya in Japan


• Grey and pastel-striped summer scarf -- something I especially like because I wouldn't have chosen it for myself


• Target & Best Buy gift cards -- the loophole against my "buy nothing new" rule


• Eco-bag


• Really nice, out-of-my-price-point headphones (from my brothers)

Zooming out from the above picture, you'll see one of my birthday gifts to self:

[loveseat]

A vintage loveseat, found on CL (of course).  And thanks to my youngest brother's charm, it set me back $50 instead of the $75 at which it was listed -- score!  The light blue-grey damask-y upholstery is in good shape, but isn't really my style, so I've lined it with a jersey sheet while I search the internets for fabric.  My ideas range from a luxurious teal or gold or cream velvet, to a simple geometric, to something unique, like this.  In the meantime, it fits my little space perfectly (and means that not all of my guests have to sit on my (day)bed!).

[sewing machine + box]

My second self-gift was a vintage sewing machine.  I'd been researching for a while and knew I wanted an older Husqvarna for its high quality (the body is a single cast metal piece) and --frankly -- its hawt Swedish desgin.  It's a Husqvarna Viking 6020, complete with folding table, carrying case, and accessories.  It's just beautiful to look at, isn't it? And the sweing chair my brother found and gave me goes with it perfectly!  I actually swung back for the tiered sewing box, which came full of all kinds of supplies.  Now I can get on with pillowcases, hems, and (hopefully) skillbuilding!

Lastly, a lovely cafe au lait -- carefully and painstakingly brewed on a Chemex coffeemaker -- at the new(ish?) Intelligentsia in Old Town Pasadena (which serves food, too, btw), accompanied by delightful companionship and conversation.  Thank you, CO.

I'm so grateful!

I'm the last of my siblings to celebrate the first birthday without Mom.  We've all had each other these past (nearly seven!) months, which has been better than good.  Still, we all miss her.  We'll feel that similar pang again tomorrow night, as we gather to celebrate my dad's birthday.  It'll be a good time.  Different that how we would've wanted it, but good nonetheless.

Alive and living

Last week I was finally able to get a hold of my Japanese parents.  They are fine; the earthquake-tsunami didn't affect their part of Japan (in fact, a lot of people are fleeing towards their area).  I discovered, through Facebook, that the other people I know in Japan are okay, too.  So I feel a certain amount of relief. 

Things are still bad in Japan, though -- as they are in Christchurch, Haiti, New Orleans, Libya, Afghanistan.... you get my drift.  And even here at home. My bro and SIL, driving to and from Mammoth and Las Vegas this past weekend (respectively), told me stories of heavy traffic due to so many car accidents on account of the rain -- and, sadly, the general on-the-road malaises of  impatience, road rage, or outright negligence. My SIL described driving past one scene in which she saw people moving the limp and dangly body of a motorcyclist, and a young woman, apparently the driver who'd struck him, squatting by the side of the road, huddled over and crying into her phone.

"One moment you're here, and the next, you're not."

My prayers are for hurting people and hurting nations, and my hope is in a God who is not only bigger than, but who is  indeed Creator of all:

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling....

The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts.

The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

-- Psalm 46:1-3, 6-7

I am acutely aware that life itself -- not to mention health, food, clothing -- is a gift.  Undeserved.  Fleeting.  And what do you do with a gift you know you don't deserve?  You take it and run with it, all the while giving thanks.  So while I mourn and pray and do what I can, I also celebrate that I am alive.  And though my very existence is just a speck on this earth, I believe that every speck matters to the Creator.  Regardless of the scale, then, having the gift of life means taking the responsibility to live the best life I can live, in the time that I am given to live it.

Business

Confession:  one of my guilty pleasures is Craigslist.  I am always trolling for my dream apartment, wonderful mid-century-get-it-for-a-song piece of furniture (for said apartment or for my awesome future home), or something I totally don't need.  Like an RV (blame it on the summer issues of Sunset magazine).

I started looking -- seriously, this time... well, sort of -- for a daybed a while ago.  Because I can't afford won't pay for the one that I want, and because I don't want to buy new. 

Then I found a daybed.  Not the one that I originally wanted.  But one that was okay. And it fit my style more than all the other daybeds listed (white curved heart frames, ceramic finials, wood and iron combos -- no no no).  And it was cheap.  So I went for it and contacted the poster.  We traded emails, phone calls, and texts during the week, and I made arrangements for my brother to drive out with me to look at it.  By the time we got there I already felt like I had to buy it: to make the (long, traffic-ridden) trip worthwhile?  Because after three or four emails I already felt so invested in the piece?  And guilty over my brother's and the seller's time?  I told myself that I was helping  out the sellers, who had bought it, probably impulsively, for their baby (who still fits in her crib), and who were selling their house.  Besides, it was less expensive than it would have been had I bought it retail (at Ikea).  They're entirely acceptable reasons, and I did end up buying it, but in that self-imposed guilt or sense of responsibility or whatever, I forgot that the purchase was solely for me and that I should have given the choice entirely to myself -- my wants, not just my needs.  I should have asked:  Do I really want this?  Is it worth it?  Can I negotiate for a lower price?  Do I have to commit to it at all?  Rather, I ended up justifying a "for me" purchase with "for them" reasons. 

I'm not beating myself up too much over it.  After all, it's just a piece of furniture.  That I like.  And will use.  And was cheap.  And can be resold.  Yet the whole episode made me realize that, despite trying to change with this year's resolutions theme, I simply don't love myself that much.  And that I'll settle, while putting others -- even strangers -- ahead of myself.  It's humility taken to the extreme.  Which can't be very healthy.  This stark realization has been a good wake-up call; I intend to be more aware of and conscientious about my self and my decision-making.

Which brings me to the bigger things. Like finding a new apartment.  For the past few weeks I've been looking here and there (on CL of course) and even made some inquiries and gone to see some places.  Some sort of (internal, probably totally fabricated) voice is pressuring me to hurry up and make a decision.  So no one else beats me to a certain apartment.  Because something better might not come up.  And is there such thing as an ideal apartment anyway?  I chatted with the owner of one building and established a good rapport, so although the apartment itself is not ideal, I went ahead and turned in an application. So no one else beats me to it.  Because something better might not come up.  And because the owner and I are best friends now, right? 

OMG it's happening again.

The day after I turned in the rental application, the owner called me because I'd left off some information (I always wait for them to ask, just to make sure it's absolutely necessary).  I said I'd get the info to him and thanked him for his quick response (because we're best friends now, right?) and he replied, "Sure, 'course, it's business.  This is what I do."

*DING*

The chime rang so loudly.  So clearly.  We are NOT best friends.  I didn't wow a potential landlord over with my personality.  He is looking to see if I my tenancy will be a good financial decision.  And the sooner he verifies my info, the sooner he knows the answer, and the sooner he can either move on to find another tenant, or move me in and start collecting rent.  It's business.  Work.  A job.  His job.  NOT mine.  My job is to find an apartment for me.  Because I'll be the one living there.  So I'd better do what's best for me. What a concept, right?  But it was a HUGE leap for me.

Instead of rushing to get the  information to him as soon as possible (to make his life easier), I am slowing down and asking myself what I want vs. what I can settle with or without.  And:  Do I really want this?  Is it worth it?  Can I negotiate for a lower price?  Do I have to commit to it at all?  Not only am I asking, but giving myself time to think about the answers:  I'm not sure.  I'm not sure (leaning towards no).  Probably.  Nope! 

I feel so liberated!  I am continuing to look at apartments, making the effort -- emailing, calling, texting, getting in my car and driving all over town etc. -- and taking steps towards the change I want to see in my life.  I am upfront with myself and the owner/manager if an apartment is out of my price range or does not meet my needs.  I am not taking an application unless I am truly interested (my car and the environment thank me).  The internal, probably totally fabricated voice is getting fainter. And there is no guilt.  And it's only January, friends. 

Ok, back to Craigslist. (Just kidding.  Sort of.)

49 Days

Halloween was especially on the periphery this year because of my mom's passing.  Last weekend marked a milestone in the mourning process: 49 days.  We -- my family, my aunt, my cousins -- had been going to the gravesite and then the temple for the past six Sundays.  On the 49th day extended family and friends are invited to come to the temple and join in the ceremony and a vegetarian meal afterwards. 

The first 49 days is believed by Buddhists to be an important period, during which time the deceased is reincarnated and makes their transition to the new life.  Prayers are offered to guide and support the spirit.

Because of my personal religious beliefs -- but moreover because I know my mom didn't believe in reincarnation -- I don't put much stock in the meaning of the ritual (had to find out about it online).  I attended more for the cultural aspect of the mourning process, which establishes certain intervals at which the family comes together to grieve and also celebrate the deceased:  we went back to the grave three days after the burial, then once a week for seven weeks; the extended family will come together again at 100 days, and again at the year.  The increased intervals are meant to "ease" the presence of the deceased out of daily life.  I like that we're not expected to jump back into our regular schedules right after the funeral or after the bereavement leave allocated by work.  I like that it's a yearlong process, and that we will continue to meet each year on my mom's death anniversary.  And always on her birthday, and Mother's Day.

[family at 49]

To me, the larger gatherings are more for the "outer" circles of family and friends, where I am not so much mourning or remembering but simply "showing face."  For me and for my immediate family, it's not, "See ya!" until 100 days.  We continue to grieve, both as a unit and individually.  I do so by allowing the laughs and tears to come as they may, and by (re)turning to words -- self-help books, memoirs, articles, and yes, even my own.

Same same but different

owdy. It feels good to be back to blogging after nearly two weeks' hiatus. Rest assured, though -- not blogging doesn't mean not living! There's been a lot going on, as you may have heard.  Some things are settling in to place, while others are just beginning to spin.  In a good way.  I like the anticipation of new adventures, new projects, new horizons.  And through it all, continuing to change, grow, discover myself -- and being okay with who I am.

Here were are at Monday again; hope it's a good one for you. Let's keep on keepin' on!

Summer Project list

Call me overambitious, but I have a huge list of things of things to do this summer.  I'd better write them out and commit to them, so that I can be sure to finish!  Here's what I've got so far:

• Summer Picnic Club 2010


• Sew this shirt


• Finish a quilt


• Nice nails


• Set up craft room


• Put up (some) art


• Set up an al fresco dining corner


• Attempt to grow a tomato plant


• Complete herb planter

It's  a pretty good mix of short- and long-term projects, in addition to some already-in-place plans like trying a new recipe each month.  Interspersed with a bit traveling, the bulk of which will happen late this summer.

As I excited shared my ideas with DC, he said, "That sounds great, but I thought that maybe we could fit planning a wedding in there somewhere..."

Yes, dear.

Liberty Loot

Even before our London trip, blogland was abuzz with news of the Liberty for Target collection.  There was a lot of anticipation in the air, and sadly -- sadly -- I gave in. 

It was the first weekend after returning from London.  I got up early and hightailed it over to the local Target.  They were still putting up the displays!  But I managed to nab a couple of items.

Later, I went to a couple other Targets, 'just to see what they have.'

[liberty loot]

By the end of the day, here's what I'd collected: a couple of dresses, garden gloves, notebooks, a canister, a couple of girls dresses.  Oh, and a pair of rain boots that I'd asked my brother to pick up, 'just to see.'

[liberty boots]

And when I looked at all that I'd 'scored,' I realized that I didn't need nearly any of it.  I'd just got sucked into the hoopla.  And it really bothered me because I like to think that I'm cool and utilitarian and minimalist and above the hype.  When, really, I'm much more easily influenced.

Which kinda got me thinking how the blog world is incredibly inspiring, but is, simultaneously, incredibly consumer- and collection-driven.  At least for someone like me, who is like a naive little sponge when it comes to all that visual stimulation.  I love looking at it, but it remains a cyber-world that I haven't yet been able to bridge with reality (despite all the 'normal people' photos and home tours).

So... I went back to the reality of my Liberty loot, chose a few items that I knew I'd like and wear, and returned the rest.  I ended up with one dress, one girl's dress (which, in XL, fits me like a tunic, or a very very short dress, if I am so daring), garden gloves, and a tie for DC.  Oh, and a random recent rainy day made me keep those rain boots after all.  And it was delightful to run up to my office, nearly late, without fear of getting wet or slipping.  So: worth it!

These days I have also limited my blog intake, especially as I try to find my voice again as well as my own inspiration.  There's a place for it on the screen that I appreciate greatly, but with SoCal weather and, more importantly, the right attitude, inspiration abounds all over the place.  And I'm out to get me some!

Bling

Text of an email that circulated my entire contacts list:

DC and I got engaged.  On March 8th.  At 36,000 feet.  Somewhere between Iceland and Greenland.  On the flight back.  From my surprise birthday trip.  To London.  After the first movie (me: New Moon; him: Couples Retreat).  He slipped me a note.  I read it.  Looked up.  Speechless.  Nodded.  He slipped me a ring. And we landed back at LAX: betrothed.

[self portrait, 'Bling']

And some of the responses (quite a few, but not all! Bear with me; I wanted to remember them all in one place):

• best.  email.  ever. :)congrats.


• omggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omedetoooooooooooo<3<3 congrats!!!!!!!!!


• That's fantastic! I love the note-passing story! You're a true devotee of written correspondence, aren't you? I'm so happy for you. Many congratulations and best wishes for a happy future.


• WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT???? OMG, friend Congrats!!!!! I am so happy for you! Why didn’t I see this on facebook??


• I feel like saying it, wait...SHOUTING it again, CONGRATS! I'm so happy for you! Finally, the details.  I'm writing to you with a HUGE smile on my face.


• This is WONDERFUL NEWS!!  Congratulations to you and DC.. I have never met the lucky fellow but he must be something to win your love and affection!


• WOW! Congrats!  So many questions.  Like, How was new moon for instance?  I have yet to see it.  And did they leave it open ended for the next ... Ok, I'm kidding.  But seriously.  Congrats!


• CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHOOOO!!!!!!!!  And thanks for the point-by-point description!  I felt like I was right there!! :)


• What a story!!!  He sounds like a keeper the romancer :)


• YAY!  Congrats, my dear!!  The second I saw the subject line, I knew it was an engagement announcement!  Yay!  Ok, so I want to catch up with you.  It's been waaaaay too long!  Plus, I need to give you hug and jump up and down with you!  Or something to that effect.  Maybe a drink and some karaoke wouldn't hurt, either. :)


• I am overcome with joy for you! Such providence is so like Jesus!


• Wow - congratulations, Jean! Do not know who that is, but if he makes you this happy and brings blessings to your life, amen.


• i knew it! i'm prophetic. CONGRATS!


• This friend from afar is wishing your fiancee and you a wonderful and glorious life together. Looking forward to hearing more about the lucky guy (lets not be sexist here.... lucky girl also).


• Congratulations, Jean!! That's fabulous. Who is DC?  A wonderful blessing. I hope you are well. I'm sorry I've been MIA. Complicated.


• Wow, Jean! This is wonderful news! Looked on your facebook page for a clue about who DC is, but no dice, so I'm hoping to hear more from you sometime, or maybe a picture? Anyways, I'm thrilled on your behalf.


• Omg.  I'm so happy for you.  And what a spectacular proposal/engagement.  When is the wedding?!  Ah, too soon to ask, eh.


• Big kisses from your frenche cousin in Toulouse!  Give me some more news, ++


• I am really happy to hear this wonderful news.  To be honest, somehow I felt/knew this will come sooner and later.


• Jean! Congrats on the engagement. D is the man!


• Congratulations from the deep, dark past, darling girl.


• Jean-sama! OMEDETO!!! I'm so happy for you dear.. I'm deeply pleased that your relationship has reached a new level and that marriage will bond you closer and happier. you both deserve it!


• Dear Ms. Jean....soon to be Mrs.
  Congratulations!! We are excited for you. From what I know of him, you two make a great couple. It sounds like plane rides will always be special to you and what a great story when you take your kids on a trip. Blessings on your future together. What a great journey when two people really love the Lord. Thanks for sharing your joy!


• Congrats! It was not surprising given how I felt you two were right for each other.


• Congratulations Jean.  You and D make the perfect couple.  I'm so happy to hear the great news.  I can't believe he held on to the ring the entire trip.

It's been about three weeks, and I've regained my ability to compose complete sentences.  We're talking about dates, venues, and details, but nothing has been decided for sure.  We want to keep things simple but don't want to underestimate the time and work we'll have to put into this.   Among other things this will be a huge communication project -- between us and our families.  So far, DC and I are on the same page, which feels good, natural.

I'll keep you posted!  This is exciting!

Myself again

Will you be suprirsed to read that I've been blogging for over seven years now?  I started in the fall of 2002 on uJournal, which went bust a couple of years later.  I had a couple blogs on Blogger, swtiching between a regular blog and a craft blog (before the labeling system started!), then finally decided to make a fresh start here.

It suddenly dawned on me why I don't blog as much anymore:  it's not fun or exciting to simply post about what I did or am doing or will do -- which is what I've relegated my blog to being, ever since I had a sudden urge to protect and respect the people in my life by concealing their names and other details.  I found myself and my blog reduced to posing stuff a certain way, taking a quick shot or two, and adding in a paragraph or two of text.  Not so fun.  For me or any readers.  So I stopped.

But I've got a new wind, a mind to take this blog back to where it once was, and wherever it is that I'm going: back to myself again.

Locks lost

I randomly decided to grow my hair out to donate it to Locks of Love, and have not had it cut since March 2008.  As 2009 draws to a close, I want to start the year off with a new hairstyle.  It came down to a matter of availability:  when I realized that Dec. 12th was the only free Saturday I had until the end of the year, I made the appointment and went off to my stylist -- with no idea of what kind of cut I wanted.

Just a coupla shots before heading off:

[before]

And the following day, still getting used to it:

[meet my new bob]

It's been over a week, and I'm mostly used to the cut, but not yet the time at the blow-dryer each day.  I like it, though.  Especially with some dramatic eyeliner and red lipstick.

As for the locks: they're still in a plastic bag on my living room table.  Sometimes I take them out and pet them; they're very soft.  Naw, I'm not holding on; just being lazy.  I'll send them off soon!

[10 inches]